End of year joke

Hi sweetie

So, today I went and asked for a guys number (yeah so brave of me) for my friend. The guy (although we didn't know) has 6 mutual friends with my friend... hahahaha now its a messed up situation and all. Its just another funny thing that happened while I was out and I go out a lot lately.

Well its kinda hot here, I have been to the beach twice and now I'm burnt to the point i hate my color. Well everyone says its a nice tan but i don't like tanning, guess I should have thought about it before moving to Australia....

By the way I'm watching "DENSHA OTOKO" and laughing my days off, its hilarious but very sweet. I kinda love the main male character and all, he is a very kind person. I think I'd like a kind and caring boyfriend like him, though he is an otaku and all.

Well I should say another year has gone by and there is less than two weeks to my 30th birthday. I still can't trust men but I have had a lot of guys hitting on me lately so I'm thankful to all the guys who thought i'm worth looking at while i was being miserable and all. I guess my wish is to find a job not necessary nice but a job with an income and love. I miss loving and being loved. Happy new year.

I love you

NUMB

Hi sweetie

I feel like I'm going numb. I don't feel like anything. Guys hitting on me means nothing, I laugh it off and think in the back of my mind 'is he mocking me?'. I go out with friends shopping and nothing seems to look nice and I don't feel like buying anything; food tastes ok but its not satisfying anymore, music sounds nice but its like a mirage and I think ' I wish I had my piano and that I could play it a little bit'.

Have you ever felt this numb? Have you thought everything is worthless? It feels like you are a dead person amongst the living. You feel grey and while looking around you find no escape. 

Well I guess it cannot be helped can it? Everything moves very slow and at the same time very fast. Everything has stopped and at the same time days pass by very fast like the earth is on the run and needs to go somewhere very fast.

Well, my head hurts, I'll try to come back soon and talk to you more. Be well and take care of yourself.

I love you

can you tell me "Where I BelonG"

Hi there

Well, exams are done and I'm graduating, I guess thats good news. I lost my part time job because of the "Budget Cuts". They could not afford me anymore. I have started going back to the GYM since I wanna shape up a little bit and go back to my old-self rather than the new fatty that I am. And last but not least I have another qualification exam next week that I have not been preparing for, I can't seem to be able to concentrate for it. All the normal usual stuff happening as usual. Cooking, cleaning, washing, sleeping, looking for a job, and I have started making a cousin cover in my spare time when I'm watching TV. 

I wanted to talk about where I go and where I am, maybe because I'm kinda in the middle of nowhere with nothing to keep me in place or reshape me. There are this group of people who are asking me to go through GRE and apply for PHD in US, these people just wamt me close to them. Well they are family, I love them and they love me but do I really have to go through another 3 to 5 years are university life to be close to them? I don't wanna do that. I'm tiered of Studying and I reallllyyyy don't wanna go back to uni and I specifically don't want to start a PHD. There are my beautiful parents who say you can do whatever you want and go where ever you want and they support me no matter what. But all of these things don't mean anything. I know I want to start a job get some experience here and there. I know i think its impossible for me to fall in love and I'm desperate to find a way to break this curse... I guess its sad when you can watch a romantic movie or drama or even read a love story and cry and feel the feelings of the main characters and not be able to create your own story... Its really sad when you want to love not just the family members but someone outside the family, some crazy stubborn person who can drive you nuts, but you can't leave them alone...somewhere to belong... I have always thought the heart of the people whom love you is where you belong... the sad reality is that you parents have each other, your brothers and sisters create their own family and at the end of the day if you cannot find that one person or not even the one but someone to love you don't belong anywhere, you are the lost soul just like me searching for a place to belong to and believe it or not it's kinda scary when you come ti your senses and two years have passed and you are still where you where to years ago emotionally...frozen....

Alright I'm going, Don't wanna tart crying again. I guess I'm a crybaby since almost every time I start writing something here I start crying too.

I love you

It has been While

Hi Sweetheart

I know I'm the laziest person in the world who could start a blog, but I guess for me this is more like a diary. Yes I know i should go and buy a notebook or make an offline file instead of an online blog and all but sometimes you want another person to read your thoughts. The thoughts that well cannot be shared with the people close by.

So, exams are done and more or less It was alright. I'll pass all of them and I'll get another degree. God knows what I wanna do with all of these. I'm planning to join a gym and stop dancing in the street while walking home. Sometimes I wonder if people who see me dancing and singing find me crazy but who cares I guess my weird act might bring a smile on someone else's face and make their day so be it. The other thing is that I feel empty, do you think if I find myself a boyfriend to kill time this will change? And yes i want to kill time cause I don't think I can love. Maybe if there was someone who would try to break the ice around my frozen heart and break the chains and free me... Don't know. I have found a comfort zone in my loneliness and I'm not even sure if a relationship can save me from that, but I think it's dangerous for me to stay like this and that I need to change it. I'm not sure if I am strong enough to do it alone though and that is why I need someone like you to listen to me and be my strength.

Leaving the depressing things aside I wanted to tell you something funny. I want to change my style and I'm looking for a new one. the one's i like are too flashy cause i always go for gothic, rock sort of look and I don't think it suits me. The other option for someone like me would be either start wearing very girly and pinky things which are too much of a hassle if you ask me, or start acting like a lady and were sexy and not cute type which is not me. I guess its hard to change a tomboy like me into a decent looking lady, cause i always think its too much of a hassle to try and look nice all the time. Considering my mom is always like that, a sexy beautiful lady I don't know who I took after this laziness.

Well, I'm off to bed I need to catch some sleep before I go back to work tomorrow, by the way I love Block B's new track nillili mambo. oh, there is i wish by FT Island and Don't hate me by Epik high and before I forget there is WOW by BTOB. I think these four tracks and of course G Dragon's One of a kind and Crayon are the best ones for these past two months and I think I can listen to them for a long time since i just love everything about these songs. Oh, well I'm off now, its getting late.

I love you 

Goodnight

Hey

Hi Dear

This is fun. Its like a personal diary. It calms me and cause its like I'm talking to the world and its also like a private diary since not many people visit, and i think this is the reason I started writing here instead of a diary.

Well last night i got some free time so i watched a Korean movie called the S Diary. Its like I was there but i have not moved on like her since I don't have any hopes or dreams left for me or even any energy to sort out all the mess from the past and move on. i can not say all my past boyfriends loved me or it was just physical. At least there are 2 of them that I'm sure they loved me. Sometimes I wonder maybe I can not find love cause I broke the heart of the man I loved the most. I have never been able to love like that again. Well that is why first love is the most beautiful and the most heart breaking one I guess.

Before I forget let me tell you one funny thing. My cousin's ex actually wanted to have a relationship with me and its not like he is close, he lives in another country. The joke is that he wants a happy and easy relationship from me. Can you believe him? Someone like me with a messed up heart and mind, who can not trust any man. Someone like me who needs someone to open up this broken heart in an easy and happy relationship with someone who wants everything on equal terms without any hardship. Well he is out of the picture since I cannot give him what he is asking for. Oh well forget him, guess he is not worth it.

Forgetting about love life let me tell you about my music interests. Well, I can say I started listening to music with my dad's albums: The wall, The dark side of the moon and the animals of Pink Floyd. and this is before I was 6. I know, too young for the music but thats how i started, not like many kids my age who started with pop music. Around the time when I was 10, Pink Floyd had the Berlin the wall concert. Thats about when I started listening to bands like Aerosmith, Guns 'N roses, Bon Jovi, and Brayan Adams. I think I only followed these guys for a year or two I don't have that many albums of them. Well thats expected I guess. That is till I discovered HIM with "Gone with the Sin". For some funny reason I love this band and I have been archiving their albums since.

Well I have to add, my first love, was crazy for metal and during the 2 years of our relationship, I started listening to metal music. During this time i started listening to KoRn, System of a Down, Tristania, ManOwaR, MegaDeath, etc. 

My most recent obsession is K-pop I guess. I never liked American pop music for some funny reason. When my friends were killing themselves for Back Street Boys, Britney Spears and similar groups and singers, I was so indifferent. Still don't know, maybe i was too much under the influence of Pink Floyd during those times. Oh, well even now I don't listen to what my friends listen to. Well that is expected cause they are not asian so they don't listen to the music they can not relate to or understand. For me its like i wanna learn their language and culture. I wouldn't mind living in their countries or getting closer to them. Well maybe its cause I'm running away from my past and my own people. 

Alright, Enough for today, guess i talked too much and now you are bored with the crazy me. Thanks for reading and talk to you soon.

I love you

It's been a while

Hi 

Sorry, I've been busy with school and stuff. Its like life is running as fast as it can and I'm trying to catch up, out of breath and tiered but I guess there is no stopping.

So, I was talking about the disastrous relationships. So, just before I left home to come down under, I met this guy who apparently is considered a good catch. Oh well, he is rich, he's getting his PhD and comes from a good family and everyone says he is very responsible and a gentleman and all. So my mom being a mother and out of concern with all my aunties whom I love started saying that you two would make a perfect match. Since we are in the same field we exchanged emails and once in  while we talked through emails and all. This guy after getting all the help he needed with the articles he needed to publish in english and all stopped talking to me for some reason, oh and the reason he justified his act even though he was aware of everyone's intentions was that "I left home and him" and the funny thing is that i was leaving even before I met him and it had nothing to do with this guy in the first place and he knew from the start before exchanging emails and all. Oh well here goes another relationship. 

So, while I was busy struggling with this guy and all, being the new girl in town, all the guys in our community who were single started hitting on me. So I just quit hanging out with those guys (this guy is a friend of the family and I could not ditch him that easily), but one of them being as persistent as guys can be did not back off and actually said that he'd say this and that to my parents and he'd stop hanging out with me as the only person I knew and all. SO I had to kinda date him. So what happend next was that after I think a couple of months he said I'm cheating on him, with whom and when or where I still don't know. So I just said I'm done with this stupid relationship and all. By the way the guy still was trying to fix things up for about a year after I broke everything off. Honestly I can tollerate many things but I guess 2 times in my life I could not tollerate what was told and this would be the second one, of course the first one was the stupid thing that guy (from the bottom he's e the third) said about my family.

I have gone on dates after all these things happened in the past two years but I have never wanted to date any of the guys I have dated. To some extend i don't trust men anymore and I sometimes wonder is there a man who can break the ice and free me or not. I guess guys don't do these sort of things anymore now a days.

Well, now all the messy and bothersome stuff is out of the way so if I start talking nonsense i guess you'd understand where its coming from and all.

I'll try to come back soon but with these weekly quizes and tests and all I'm not sure when I'll be back. Thanks for listening to me today too.

I love you and good night

It's irritating

Well it is, my mom called me and all she can talk about is that if I were smart enough I'd found some guy to marry by now (After three years down under) to get my permanent residency and so on. Come on if I were stupid enough to do that I'd be married and have a child by now to make sure no one would kick me out of the country and all, but i think if I can not become a citizen on my own then its not worth becoming a citizen. anyway that was something to destroy my mood for the time being.

Leaving that aside I was going to tell you the story of my past boyfriends:

My first boyfriend was and still is in my eyes the most handsome of all. I think he made it hard for me to actually love another man after him. Well we broke up after two years because someone was jealous of my freedom and our relationship and I think it took me the longest to get over him.

My second boyfriend got me as his girl by a dirty trick and we broke up not long after he told me how he tricked me. Honestly i hate it when a guy who knows he can not get a girl tries to come up with a way to get the girl to come forward. The story is that my friend was chatting with this guy online and she wanted to meed him, so she tells him when she is going to go and check him out, them she asked me to accompany her so that she'd not be alone and the guy actually likes me instead. They set up a story like this: tell your friend (poor me!), you (my dear friend!) want someone to call this number and try and talk to this guy (the coward boyfriend), its like a bet or something and all, and that's how i called him to get some info from him for my friend...

The third boyfriend...and one of the reasons I'm scared of dating guys came on to me on my birthday in our house. He was a friend of a friend. So we go on a couple of dates then there comes a party with all my friends whom i have been hanging out with for years and are like family to me. And guess what these friends of mine (mostly guys since I have two brothers) have this habit of taking my hand and force me on the dance floor all the time, oh and I have already explained this to the so called boyfriend. He also has seen these sort of situations during my birthday party when he met me. Long story short he got angry that I was dancing with my friends and  called me a "whore" for dancing with a guy whom I've known for more than 6 years (not taking into account that he was 4 years younger than me and practically he was like my little brother). Well this argument passed and then more stuff like this came up that just showed how stupid and narrow minded he was. honestly if he was just going to be a temporary boyfriend it would be fine, but since i was in process of getting my application approved for my higher education and all he thought here is a chance to leave the country without spending much money and all, so he thought he'd ask my hand in marriage (ha ha... yeah the joke was on me for some reason). So my dad told him I'd give my daughter's hand in marriage to you if you can get a visa to Australia without being my daughter's partner and since he couldn't and someone had outsmarted him, he started badmouthing every member of my family and that is when I could broke it off with him after 6-7 months (one of my shortest relationships I guess). 

OK, there are still two more important guys that actually caused too much trouble for me which are the reason for my ani-boyfriend sort of personality (the first was boyfriend number three, the first two were ok). I'll talk about them later. Its time for me to go to bed now.

Good night

Thanks for reading and I love you 

More about the boring me

Hi there

So I thought before I start complaining it would be best if you know me a little bit better.

I was born in a snowy night far away from where I am living now. I think one of my happiest days in my life would be the day I finished first grade and could read stories without my mom's help. I love reading stories but i hate studying, even though I'm still a student with above average grades. I have always wanted to write a story book, I have had a couple of stories I wanted to write but I never started any of them. I usually try writing when I'm sad or upset for some reason and it usually end with me crying (still haven't figures out why). I should say, now since I'm far away from my books I have become addicted in reading Manga and I love it. I've got all these stories sorted out that I'm following.

I used to play the piano, i don't now because I don't have a piano. i also used to go horseback riding. I love,love and love  Pink Floyd. Roger Waters has always been the best in my eyes and I enjoyed the "The Wall" concert. i could say I was in the clouds since this was their last concert. Speaking of concerts I have been to Metalica's last concert Tour around the world and I was lucky enough to go to HIM's concert a couple of years back. Most of the groups and singers that I love and mostly listen to don't perform anymore or I don't like their post 2000 songs except for HIM. I hate electronic music so I don't go clubbing that much. 

I guesss I'll talk about relationships and my love life later on cause its a disaster and well i think you may laugh a little bit, even I kinda laigh at my old-self but i could say I don't like the new me, I think I've lost all my purposes in life and I think I need your help to find myself again. I'm almost always smiling at everyone but in my heart I'm never smiling so I kinda wanna lose this fake smile and remember how it felt to smile.

Thanks and I love you

Hi

Hi 

I guess this is the beginning. Honestly I have been thinking about this for a long time. Its just that I need a place where I can say anything that is bottled up in my heart and on my mind without having everyone judge me so i thought this is the best way. Well first English is my second language so I'm not that good, please bear it. Honestly I'm not looking for a specific reader. Its more like I wanna talk to myself loud enough for the whole world to hear me but I don't want anyone close to me hearing it so if you don't write anything or read my notes I won't be bothered, but I'd love someone I could be honest with, someone I did not need to pretend in front of, and act.

Alright I have to go and cook something for tomorrow's lunch I'll come back and write about the things that are bothering me later.

Who ever you are Thanks and I love you