Still Alive

Hi readers,

Just wanted to let you all know I am still alive. Moved a few times and now I am in a different country. Life is still.... but I guess I can still go on. I have lost a few loved ones since the last update so my view on things has changed quite a bit, grief in its essence changes your view on the world and life but it won't make you think oh now I want to continue living it. It is more like it makes you think ok there is a silver lining at the end that I hope comes sooner rather than later.

I will get into the things that have been going on a little bit later. Living in 3 countries and 5 cities can be interesting, but definitely not easy.

Trip

Hi sweetie

So, I'm gonna go on a trip for a week tonight. Do you think I'll find you there? Sometimes I think Where and when we are destined to meet since now I'm 30 and I think maybe its gonna be too late to love you. Sometimes i think its too lonely here without you, and I wish with all my might to see you sooner.

Oh well, I've gotta go, now.

I love you

Birthday

Hi Sweetie

Today is my birthday and I turned 30. I kinda think I'm too old now, but I guess age is another number. I don't remember if I told you about this but I joined an otaku forum and started watching more anime. I joined mostly cause I read too many mangas but now I have shifted to anime. The problem is I can't find as many manga or anime products here as in Japan so I don't think I'll ever be a full fledged otaku, but I'll try my best to become one that you can be proud of.

Do you think anything is going to be different for me now that I have finished the 3rd decade of my life and have started a new one? DO you think I might be able to find love and settle down? I'm sitting on my bed and writing to you, thinking that I have not accomplished anything. I have a bunch of qualifications but no jobs I live in a good country but I'm not a resident. I read manga and watch anime but I'm not an otaku. Its like everything i do is never complete and I feel incomplete too. To be honest I was not like this. i was lazy but i was complete. I used to finish everything I started but now not so much. What should I do? When will I meet you and when will the scars on my heart heal?

Leaving that apart, I was thinking it would have been nice if I could find and kiss 30 handsome guys on my birthday, what do you think? Its a nice dare don't you think? Kissing as many people as your age on your birthday. Maybe I should get out of the house again and do this. I'll let you know if I do something as crazy as that later.

I love you

Happy New Year

Hi sweetie

Happy 2013. Well to be honest I'm not sure if the 13th year of the new century is something I would want to celebrate since we are talking about the number "13" and it is said that it brings bad luck and all.

Well "Densha Otoko" is finished. I could say it's very funny and nice. I did enjoy my time watching it. I guess they had added a lot more funny scenes to the story to make it more interesting and a little bit of imagination and all. i wonder if there are forums and threads like that in english. I wouldn't mind joining one again. To be honest I found many great friends through Orkut 7-8 years ago when it was popular.I still am in-touch with those friends and they are very precious to me so the movie brought back the memories of those days when I couldn't wait to get home and online to read the others' posts and reply. We used to make up games and play and through those games and times we shared we found friendship. Well, unlike what happens in drama we organized meetings and we became friends outside the world of the internet. I actually am proud to say I found my best best friend through those threads and she has been an inseparable  part of my life since.

Well, I'm off for a shower since its too hot to just sit under the AC all day. I'll probably drop by again soon, since I have decided to talk to you more and maybe with you here beside me I can overcome my trauma and maybe find you.

I love you

p.s: There is only nine more days to my birthday, it would be nice if you could come and say happy birthday to me on that day.

End of year joke

Hi sweetie

So, today I went and asked for a guys number (yeah so brave of me) for my friend. The guy (although we didn't know) has 6 mutual friends with my friend... hahahaha now its a messed up situation and all. Its just another funny thing that happened while I was out and I go out a lot lately.

Well its kinda hot here, I have been to the beach twice and now I'm burnt to the point i hate my color. Well everyone says its a nice tan but i don't like tanning, guess I should have thought about it before moving to Australia....

By the way I'm watching "DENSHA OTOKO" and laughing my days off, its hilarious but very sweet. I kinda love the main male character and all, he is a very kind person. I think I'd like a kind and caring boyfriend like him, though he is an otaku and all.

Well I should say another year has gone by and there is less than two weeks to my 30th birthday. I still can't trust men but I have had a lot of guys hitting on me lately so I'm thankful to all the guys who thought i'm worth looking at while i was being miserable and all. I guess my wish is to find a job not necessary nice but a job with an income and love. I miss loving and being loved. Happy new year.

I love you

NUMB

Hi sweetie

I feel like I'm going numb. I don't feel like anything. Guys hitting on me means nothing, I laugh it off and think in the back of my mind 'is he mocking me?'. I go out with friends shopping and nothing seems to look nice and I don't feel like buying anything; food tastes ok but its not satisfying anymore, music sounds nice but its like a mirage and I think ' I wish I had my piano and that I could play it a little bit'.

Have you ever felt this numb? Have you thought everything is worthless? It feels like you are a dead person amongst the living. You feel grey and while looking around you find no escape. 

Well I guess it cannot be helped can it? Everything moves very slow and at the same time very fast. Everything has stopped and at the same time days pass by very fast like the earth is on the run and needs to go somewhere very fast.

Well, my head hurts, I'll try to come back soon and talk to you more. Be well and take care of yourself.

I love you

can you tell me "Where I BelonG"

Hi there

Well, exams are done and I'm graduating, I guess thats good news. I lost my part time job because of the "Budget Cuts". They could not afford me anymore. I have started going back to the GYM since I wanna shape up a little bit and go back to my old-self rather than the new fatty that I am. And last but not least I have another qualification exam next week that I have not been preparing for, I can't seem to be able to concentrate for it. All the normal usual stuff happening as usual. Cooking, cleaning, washing, sleeping, looking for a job, and I have started making a cousin cover in my spare time when I'm watching TV. 

I wanted to talk about where I go and where I am, maybe because I'm kinda in the middle of nowhere with nothing to keep me in place or reshape me. There are this group of people who are asking me to go through GRE and apply for PHD in US, these people just wamt me close to them. Well they are family, I love them and they love me but do I really have to go through another 3 to 5 years are university life to be close to them? I don't wanna do that. I'm tiered of Studying and I reallllyyyy don't wanna go back to uni and I specifically don't want to start a PHD. There are my beautiful parents who say you can do whatever you want and go where ever you want and they support me no matter what. But all of these things don't mean anything. I know I want to start a job get some experience here and there. I know i think its impossible for me to fall in love and I'm desperate to find a way to break this curse... I guess its sad when you can watch a romantic movie or drama or even read a love story and cry and feel the feelings of the main characters and not be able to create your own story... Its really sad when you want to love not just the family members but someone outside the family, some crazy stubborn person who can drive you nuts, but you can't leave them alone...somewhere to belong... I have always thought the heart of the people whom love you is where you belong... the sad reality is that you parents have each other, your brothers and sisters create their own family and at the end of the day if you cannot find that one person or not even the one but someone to love you don't belong anywhere, you are the lost soul just like me searching for a place to belong to and believe it or not it's kinda scary when you come ti your senses and two years have passed and you are still where you where to years ago emotionally...frozen....

Alright I'm going, Don't wanna tart crying again. I guess I'm a crybaby since almost every time I start writing something here I start crying too.

I love you