can you tell me "Where I BelonG"

Hi there

Well, exams are done and I'm graduating, I guess thats good news. I lost my part time job because of the "Budget Cuts". They could not afford me anymore. I have started going back to the GYM since I wanna shape up a little bit and go back to my old-self rather than the new fatty that I am. And last but not least I have another qualification exam next week that I have not been preparing for, I can't seem to be able to concentrate for it. All the normal usual stuff happening as usual. Cooking, cleaning, washing, sleeping, looking for a job, and I have started making a cousin cover in my spare time when I'm watching TV. 

I wanted to talk about where I go and where I am, maybe because I'm kinda in the middle of nowhere with nothing to keep me in place or reshape me. There are this group of people who are asking me to go through GRE and apply for PHD in US, these people just wamt me close to them. Well they are family, I love them and they love me but do I really have to go through another 3 to 5 years are university life to be close to them? I don't wanna do that. I'm tiered of Studying and I reallllyyyy don't wanna go back to uni and I specifically don't want to start a PHD. There are my beautiful parents who say you can do whatever you want and go where ever you want and they support me no matter what. But all of these things don't mean anything. I know I want to start a job get some experience here and there. I know i think its impossible for me to fall in love and I'm desperate to find a way to break this curse... I guess its sad when you can watch a romantic movie or drama or even read a love story and cry and feel the feelings of the main characters and not be able to create your own story... Its really sad when you want to love not just the family members but someone outside the family, some crazy stubborn person who can drive you nuts, but you can't leave them alone...somewhere to belong... I have always thought the heart of the people whom love you is where you belong... the sad reality is that you parents have each other, your brothers and sisters create their own family and at the end of the day if you cannot find that one person or not even the one but someone to love you don't belong anywhere, you are the lost soul just like me searching for a place to belong to and believe it or not it's kinda scary when you come ti your senses and two years have passed and you are still where you where to years ago emotionally...frozen....

Alright I'm going, Don't wanna tart crying again. I guess I'm a crybaby since almost every time I start writing something here I start crying too.

I love you

It has been While

Hi Sweetheart

I know I'm the laziest person in the world who could start a blog, but I guess for me this is more like a diary. Yes I know i should go and buy a notebook or make an offline file instead of an online blog and all but sometimes you want another person to read your thoughts. The thoughts that well cannot be shared with the people close by.

So, exams are done and more or less It was alright. I'll pass all of them and I'll get another degree. God knows what I wanna do with all of these. I'm planning to join a gym and stop dancing in the street while walking home. Sometimes I wonder if people who see me dancing and singing find me crazy but who cares I guess my weird act might bring a smile on someone else's face and make their day so be it. The other thing is that I feel empty, do you think if I find myself a boyfriend to kill time this will change? And yes i want to kill time cause I don't think I can love. Maybe if there was someone who would try to break the ice around my frozen heart and break the chains and free me... Don't know. I have found a comfort zone in my loneliness and I'm not even sure if a relationship can save me from that, but I think it's dangerous for me to stay like this and that I need to change it. I'm not sure if I am strong enough to do it alone though and that is why I need someone like you to listen to me and be my strength.

Leaving the depressing things aside I wanted to tell you something funny. I want to change my style and I'm looking for a new one. the one's i like are too flashy cause i always go for gothic, rock sort of look and I don't think it suits me. The other option for someone like me would be either start wearing very girly and pinky things which are too much of a hassle if you ask me, or start acting like a lady and were sexy and not cute type which is not me. I guess its hard to change a tomboy like me into a decent looking lady, cause i always think its too much of a hassle to try and look nice all the time. Considering my mom is always like that, a sexy beautiful lady I don't know who I took after this laziness.

Well, I'm off to bed I need to catch some sleep before I go back to work tomorrow, by the way I love Block B's new track nillili mambo. oh, there is i wish by FT Island and Don't hate me by Epik high and before I forget there is WOW by BTOB. I think these four tracks and of course G Dragon's One of a kind and Crayon are the best ones for these past two months and I think I can listen to them for a long time since i just love everything about these songs. Oh, well I'm off now, its getting late.

I love you 

Goodnight